People Pleasing (when we NEED to do it) is not good for us
And here’s why.
When we feel like needing to please people (particularly those with perceived authority such as bosses, teachers, parents, etc. etc.) is intrinsically connected to our own sense of self-worth then … we have a problem.
Why? Because when we NEED to please people, we engage in behaviours and activities that are solely devised to try and get someone else’s love … approval … goodwill … positive reaction …
… and we don’t tend to look after our selves … never mind focus on getting our own approval and love.
And over a period of time, chronic People Pleasing takes its toll on our emotional and physical health.
The key is in the word Need.
If we need someone else’s approval to feel OK about ourselves, then we will actually be living with chronic anxiety, and low self-esteem. These negative emotions are exhausting in themselves, so to then expend all this energy trying to please someone (in order to feel better about ourselves), just becomes a vicious and never-ending circle.
If you're a People Pleaser then you know who you are.....
Many of us prefer to deny it. To ourselves and to others. Which is understandable, because it doesn’t feel like a nice thing to own up to. Or else we say yes … that’s me, and I like that about myself.
I need to say here, that pleasing people is really nice. It’s a great feeling when you please people that are important to you, and even those that aren’t!
It feels good.
The issue is not pleasing people. The issue is the NEED to do it.
These two behaviours may as well exist on different planets. Because one brings happiness and abundance, and the other brings misery and distress.
On the one hand, choosing to do something really thoughtful for someone else is lovely. Everyone benefits.
On the other hand, needing to please someone else in order to solicit their approval in order to feel wanted, approved, loved, or cared about, is just a recipe for disaster.
You are pulling yourself in all sorts of directions to gain this elusive approval.
You are forgetting who you really are in order to gain this elusive feeling of being loveable.
And moreover, you are quite likely to be searching for this love and approval from all the wrong people anyway!
It's very old programming .....
People Pleasing is something you learnt a long time ago. There will have been people in your life, close to you; for example parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, contemporaries, who were unable to love and approve of you in an unconditional and accepting way.
Your urge to want their love and approval will have overidden everything. Your attempts to obtain their love and approval will leave you feeling increasingly insecure as long as you fail to get it.
You will believe that the failure to get it is somehow your fault.
You won’t notice that in fact, it is simply the case that they are unable to give it.
This process sets up an endless cycle of unfulfillable longing.
And above all, we lose ourselves …. and our ability to care for and love and approve of ourselves.
And here lies the key.
The only person you need to please is yourself!
And the only condition on that is that you don’t please yourself at the expense of others.
The one that needs pleasing is actually our true self …. our best self …. our highest self.
Because the side-effect of that, is that we please all the other people in our life that we are meant to please. Automatically and naturally.
How EFT helps .....
This particular program will have been running throughout your life, wherever you’re dealing with other people. It’s likely to pop up at school, at work, in personal relationships, and of course in the family.
Of course, that can seem daunting.
Where to start? You can start wherever you want. Whether it’s an issue that you had yesterday, or decades ago … whatever springs into your mind. Or should I say, whoever. Because this is about someone. A particular person in your life. Past and/or present.
Check out the Beginners’ Guide to EFT if you need to and then return to this page. Thanks for doing that x
If there is more than one person in this, take them one at a time. Start with the one that comes to mind first. Think about the person. And then focus on how they are with you, and picture a moment when they made you feel unwanted, and then focus on the response that you had to them.
How did you feel at that moment?
Insecure? Nervous? Intimidated? Frozen? Anxious? Helpless? Desperate?
Name the emotional charge, and then give the intensity of the feeling a number on the SUDS scale: 0-10. If you have an EFT notebook (which is a really good idea), then jot down the emotion and the number.
And now Tap with me……
Tapping with Debs
Why the Need to ‘People Please’ really doesn’t do any of us any good …
An audio Round of Tapping including a short visualisation addressing the NEED to People Please …. lasts about 12 minutes. Before you begin, make yourself comfortable somewhere that you won’t be interrupted for a short while.
Many people say to me that when they try Tapping, it’s hard to choose what words to use. My advice is simply speak your truth. I try and vary the words in the audio, and if they aren’t quite right for you, alter them.